I give up.

And even though the rain has stopped I still feel as though I am storming inside. My heart aches. There’s no reason for it. Other than I am currently in an emotional slump.
I can’t seem to drag myself out of the shadows. Everytime I think that I have something else goes wrong. I am not sure why I got this way to start with, and it seems to be only little things that set me off. Like someone saying something I didn’t like or something that hasn’t gone my way. These are all things that occur in everyday life for all people. But for some reason I can’t deal with the normal things like everyone else.
For some reason if something isn’t right I become anxious and I begin to feel sick in the stomach, my hands sweat, I shake, and my thoughts start to run a million miles an hour. My mood differs with the situation I am in and for most people see me, they see a moody bitchy woman that really needs a life.
I feel like just giving up and resigning to be a moody hermit with a pack of mixed breed dogs.

Published in: on September 7, 2008 at 8:47 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Short staffed and stressed out

Tonite at work has just been awful, and I think the reason behind it was mostly managerial crap. As far as I can tell the nursing unit mangers at the hospital were I work at are all in dispute over personal falling outs, as well as pressure from the owners to cost cut. So they have been mean, and I had no extra staff person to help care for the 10 pateints on my own.
There were a few independant but otherwise they need a fair amount of hands on nursing care. I feel that I didn’t give each of my patients the apropriate care they equally deserve. I was totally stressed out the entire shift. But I was fortunate enough to have a good nurse and a new friend working with me tonite and she worked just as hard as I did. She also had 6 patients of her own to care for. I felt secure in that she is a senior nurse and therefore I had support. But still that is not the point.
Perhaps if I wasn’t feeling sick also I may have been able to handle the situation better somehow.
Overall I think the whole hospital is in need of a full overhall. Maybe just a change in managenment. Something. They need to do something, anything. As long as they don’t remain stagnant with no change at all….. We will see…… Time will tell as always….. Wish me luck!

Published in: on September 6, 2008 at 12:34 am  Leave a Comment  
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Late and still awake.

Yet again it is one of those nights were sleep is avoiding me. Everything around me sleeps. All that breathes do so at a restful state. Everything except me.
I lay in my bed as I write this. Hoping my eyes will become sleepy from the screen. Wishful thinking I’m sure, but I must keep my hands moving when I feel like this. Otherwise my feet become restless and I start to twitch and fidget. Perhaps I am just mad. Maybe I don’t sleep because I am more afraid of closing my eyes than I am pondering the posibility of living the rest of my life half asleep. To my way of thinking the concept is ridiculous, so I am fairly sure that any sane person would feel the same way.
I know I can’t just give up on life. My problem is I don’t know what else to do.

Published in: on September 2, 2008 at 2:22 am  Leave a Comment  
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